


i was calling, for the last time (we'd been here before)

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AmazingSkies - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, One sided, Unrequited Love, dan and phil are fine, just a tiny tiny bit, no big angst, sort of unrequited, squint and you'll see a little angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 14:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12014673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: “Do you like him?” Charlie asks over a skype call and Phil spoke low because he was afraid that someone would hear him even if there was no one. This was a new feeling. He wasn’t scared of what people would think, more of he was scared of what he felt. Scared that if he spoke louder then it wouldn’t be real.“I think so.”Or the AmazingSkies fic I was going to write eventually.





	i was calling, for the last time (we'd been here before)

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what i'm doing either. 
> 
> i'm currently working on my phandom big bang fic right now but i really needed to get this idea out of my head so here it is.
> 
> the title is from a song (that was a driving force for this fic) called, 'you are a memory - message to bears', if you want to check it out.

**i.**

Phil had a pattern for falling for boys who only hurt in the end -- or maybe it’s the middle. He can’t really tell. He didn’t know if it’s because he loves too much or if it was intense infatuation because he knows that he can survive whatever storm the boys he’s ever loved have given him. Maybe he cared too much. These are all things that he’s been screamed at, internally, and externally for a while now. They are the feelings that never really went away, and seeing Charlie’s name pop up for the first time in a couple of years sets him back a little bit. He clicks out of the fan page that explained a brief history of who Charlie was and what he had meant to him. It’s too much.

He was thinking in the past and there’s a strange feeling when he thinks of Charlie and he won’t tell Dan that it’s often that he _does_ think of him. Because he thinks of him over the first crunchy leaf of fall, a reminder to him of the things that he’s done in the wake of a broken heart. He thinks of him whenever he orders a chai tea latte because Charlie had claimed he was trying something new. He thinks of him during birthdays, holidays, and even his own anniversary. He supposes that it’s kind of a fucked up thing to think about but there had been something there -- and when he blinked, it was gone. 

He doesn’t know if he loved him. The kind of love where it hurts so bad yet you’d stay because the person was worth it. The first time Charlie told Phil that he had kissed another boy he had exited out of the conversation and had made a video and gone on a walk. And when he had come back Charlie was still waiting on the other line and he had gotten over it, but he didn’t. And he had held it over Charlie’s head like an invisible knife. 

“You’re jealous,” Charlie would say, and he’d laugh, dragging it on. He wasn’t. He couldn’t be. Charlie was his best friend and they had a lot of things in common and boys might have been one of them but they didn’t like each other. 

“I’m not,”

( _Maybe they liked each other too much._ )

When Phil thinks about the ways that he dealt with Charlie kissing other boys it brings him sadness that he can’t describe because it hurts, and it aches like an old wound and it shouldn’t. He knows that the reason was because once upon a time, Charlie had held a very special place in his heart, if not his whole heart, but that never meant he couldn’t have feelings for _someone_ else. Charlie had come first in a lot of ways, he could call him on his way to Tesco, or when he heard a song that he’d think he’d like; they were late night conversations, flirty messages and assurance that _yeah, they’d still be best friends._ Phil thought that he didn’t understand half the promises he made before he made them, and he never meant to hurt anyone but he knew that he must have. Somewhere along the way. 

Back then Phil was adventurous and daring when it came to his sexuality, he wanted to try people on and see what fit and how felt, and Charlie might have been an unlikely participant in that, and then, there was Dan. 

“Do you like him?” Charlie asks over a skype call and Phil spoke low because he was afraid that someone would hear him even if there was no one. _This_ was a new feeling. He wasn’t scared of what people would think, more of he was scared of what he felt. Scared that if he spoke louder then it wouldn’t be real. 

“I think so.” 

“That’s cool, Phil.” 

**ii.**

It was a slow process, drifting apart. He had noticed it too much, and would try and fix it, but the responses would become less and less heartfelt and more like he had to reply. That was the worst kind of feeling, being an inconvenience to someone you used to know. 

During a late night conversation over a little too much wine, Dan and Phil sat on the floor of their living room with Scrabble in the middle of them. They had been talking about people that they used to be friends with, and how Dan had tried to be friends with his ex but he had done things so abruptly there wasn’t really anytime for good closure but he thinks if they were to be friends now it wouldn’t be that weird. Dan had looked up at Phil who didn’t think too much of it, he had accepted a long time ago that he wasn’t the first person that Dan has ever loved and that was okay with him. 

“Do you-” Dan says, putting his last word on the board, “Do you still?” It was a vague question but Phil had already known what he was asking. 

“Yeah,” His voice was soft, and he had smiled at Dan a little, trying to be comforting and Dan had nodded his head. 

“I don’t always think of… of him. Sometimes, though,” They could be honest about it. Phil had figured out a long time ago that Dan was the kind of person worth fighting for, and that Dan trusted him, and that he would stay, not that Phil would do anything to break that trust, but there were moments in the beginning where he wasn’t sure how all of this would go down- if Dan was temporary or a forever kind of thing. The thought of forever terrified him because even if he wanted to live forever, he didn’t know how he felt with loving someone, one person, forever. 

“I, well,” Dan had tried to think of what to say, he had taken a sip of his wine instead. “That’s okay.” And Phil knew it was. 

“I love you,” Phil’s foot had brushed against Dan’s, when he stretched his legs. 

Dan looked down and smiled, his dimple make a quick appearance and shook his head. “I bet you say that to all the boys who win at Scrabble,” Phil had looked at their points and he was right. 

“I take it back, you’re the worst,” Phil pushes the Scrabble to the side and moves closer to Dan, taking his hands. He felt vulnerable. 

“I love you too,” Dan had squeezed his hands and then took a deep breath. “The wine made me super tired so I’m going to bed. Are you?” 

He had grabbed his glass from the ground and Phil had shook his head. “Not yet. I’ll meet you in there in a bit.” 

Phil had grabbed the Scrabble pieces and put it away, and then his glass of wine. He sat on the couch and looked back on that post again. 

**@charlieskies:** **@AmazingPhil** I’ll always be here for you if you ever need me. JSYK. 

Phil sighed, closing the page again and deleting the history for it. 

Phil gets a text message from Dan that’s only the warthog emoji and he smiles. 

There’s a feeling of hoping that Charlie is doing okay, and that he’s out there living his best life, and loving someone who loves him back, and that they’re able to play Scrabble together over wine and pizza, and that he has someone who will send warthog emojis because they know it makes you smile. That’s all anyone can really ask for, Phil thinks. He got lucky with that one. 

When Phil finally makes it to bed he presses his body against Dan’s, and he’s what he said he was a long time ago: warm. He felt warm.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: @nihilismdan


End file.
